Is it really mid-May already? When last we left off, it was the end of February. So much for my New Year’s Resolution of maintaining this blog.
For what it’s worth, I didn’t write in an online journal in April at all, but to check in a couple of times. I took a month off from all of that, and writing in a paper journal, just to rest and see if I could regain some semblance of motivation for anything as things had become a relentless grind since January. Get up, log on, work, log off, eat, watch TV, sleep, rinse, repeat.
I’m still a bit stuck, but have concluded that I’m in that weird place Carl Jung talked about when he described how people lose motivation after their awakening, enantiodromia. I’ve stopped chasing, stopped worrying about to-do lists, stopped caring about hustle, proving myself, and achieving—all the things that keep Washington, the institution running—and now find myself thinking “How much of this really matters?”
Part of it is that I’ve made some time to refocus on Zen and Stoicism. The first “rule” of both of them is to concern yourself only with what you can control: your actions, reactions, thoughts, and perceptions. The second “rule” is to let go of what you cannot control, and oofta, there’s a LOT of stuff I cannot control, like other people’s behavior and reactions, the evil in the world, and what happens around me.
When I stopped to think of all the things I can’t control, I started bowing out.
I will not engage in political discussions beyond agreeing with strangers’ social media posts. Someone wants to think I’m wrong? Okay.
Someone didn’t respond to a text? Okay.
Someone doesn’t have time to get together? Okay.
Someone doesn’t want to reschedule after breaking plans? Okay.
Someone didn’t respond to an email or call at work? Okay.
Someone gets angry after asking me to do something for them and I set a boundary and say no? Okay.
Traffic? Okay.
Bad weather? Okay.
Number I didn’t want to see on the scale? Okay.
No one wants to join me in something I’m doing or going where I’m going? Okay.
I’m not chasing. I’m not forcing. I’m not striving to make any points, get people to agree, impress, perform, or bring people into my sphere who don’t want to be there. I welcome those who are with me, let go of those who aren’t.
At any rate, that’s why I haven’t been around. I’m in what the video below describes as the Hermit stage, the phase between death and rebirth, and it’s all swirling around with rising detachment in the Zen sense. But I’m still floundering around a bit. Although I’ve begun to say no to things that don’t resonate, I’m still learning to let go of wanting things to be the way I want them to be rather than how they are. I just have to trust the process.
Went to see John Oliver tonight. He was GREAT! He really drove home the point of understanding history, not so you can feel great about your country, but so you can understand why some things are they way they are, to learn from them, and to make better choices going forward. See also, for the love of all that is holy, can people who are NOT experts stop thinking they ARE on everything? It’s like I always say, getting a C in high school biology and watching a few YouTube videos do not mean you know more than the hive of PhDs and MDs who devote their careers to understanding something.
But the U.S. is just chock full of people who embody the Dunning-Kruger effect, and it is our undoing.
This leads me to my resolutions for 2025.
Ignore the ignorant. Whether it’s mansplainers who want to tell me about things I’ve covered extensively as a medical journalist as though they are imparting new knowledge, dudebros online who think women can “hold in” their periods, conspiracy theorists, anti-vaxxers, omnivores who ask where I get my protein, people who natter on about critical race theory but when you ask them what it is they cannot tell you, cryptoboys, Musk bronies and other bootlickers of billionaires, or D.C. political pontificators, they’re getting muted, restricted, blocked, walked away from, and otherwise banished from my sphere without warning or response.
I’ve already started doing this in that I removed from my friends list a particularly annoying acquaintance who tried to lecture me on how Virginia “has been Blue for over 40 years” when discussing the last presidential election. Uh, yeah, with the exception of 1964, Virginia was Red from 1952 until 2008, when the Commonwealth went Blue for Barack Obama. 2024 – 2008 = 16, not 40. It wasn’t the first time he tried to mansplain something he was wrong about to me, and I just don’t have time for that kind of nonsense.
Work on my fitness. The exercise part will be easy enough. I happen to like exercise and tracking exercise in my planner. I liked last year’s planner so much, I got a similar one by the same company this year.
It’s the nutrition part that will require discipline. Fortunately, I have roughly eleventy billion empty journals and pretty notebooks of all different sizes. The only thing that has ever worked for me is to use measuring cups and spoons and write down everything I put into my maw. Otherwise, I’ll blow it on pasta, cereal, nuts, beans, and spreads. Some stuff, I just cannot eyeball.
Resume my tarot practice. Again. I really fell off of that last year. I do love it, though. It helps me think things through and I love the cards themselves. They’re little works of art you can hold in your hand. Plus, I’m fairly good at it. My brain loves to find patterns.
Write some prose other than articles, blogs, and journal entries. I’m thinking maybe creative nonfiction, timed fiction, flash fiction, personal essays, or even some short stories. I may end up doing it on long weekends or staycations, but so be it. Whether I share it publicly is another story.
Renew my travel resolution. Again. Back in 2020, I set a few rules for myself. First, I had to travel at least three times a year. Second, one of those places had to be somewhere I’d never been before. Third, one of those places could not be for work. Fourth, Baltimore is too close to count as travel. Unfortunately the pandemic and then the heart attack kept me from sticking to this, but I WILL do it this year, so help me.
And that’s a wrap for Holidailies, kids! Hang onto your hats like Frosty here, because I sense 2025 is going to be a wild and windy one! Oh, and if you’re reading on WordPress, please do subscribe. I bombed the November writing project because I had to travel for work, but I think 2025 is going to provide a good bit of blog fodder. Stick around!
This entry is dedicated to Peep, a sweet Northern Mockingbird youngster I tried desperately to help last summer, but was unable to save.
This entry is also dedicated to Sparrow, a Sparrow who died in my hands after being attacked by a Grackle; Sparky and Rascal the Squirrels who passed likely due to rat poison; the squirrel who was already gone when I found her and is buried in a park nearby; the Pigeon who was already gone whom I buried near a park; a baby bird who was already gone whom I laid to rest under a shrub; Holly, another Sparrow who came for help on my balcony, but who, like Peep, I could not save; the Crows who were so far gone I could not lift them to bury them; and the millions of birds, animals, sea creatures, reptiles, and insects who suffered and died this year because of humans. They mattered, and they are forever in my heart. If I could change one thing about humanity, it would be to open its eyes to what I see and feel from every living creature I encounter, so that our species would live in harmony with theirs.
What did you do in 2024 that you’d never done before? Go to cardiac rehab. Have a couple of social media posts go viral.
Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I mostly did. I will absolutely have a few resolutions for 2025, and will be revisiting a couple from 2024.
Did anyone close to you give birth? No.
Did anyone close to you die? Susan and I weren’t close, but I considered her a friend. The first time I saw Poets of the Fall in concert and the last time she saw them in concert we were together. She once sent me a short story she had written and I wish I could have seen more of her writing before she died. I miss her.
Did anyone close to you get married? A lovely woman in my city-hiking group did. Congrats Amanda and Nav!
What countries did you visit? None, alas. I had to cancel my trip to Portugal on account of cardiac rehab.
What would you like to have in 2025 that you lacked in 2024? A million bucks.
What dates from 2024 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? June 8, when Sparrow died in my hands. Some of my friends and acquaintances found out just how much I love birds that day. November 5, when my country died in a voting booth.
What was your biggest achievement of the year? Bringing my ejection fraction from 40% on the day of my heart attack to 65% before I finished cardiac rehab. Healthy ejection fraction, also known colloquially as “heart function” is between 55% and 70%. More than one doctor did a double-take when looking at my charts and scans.
What was your biggest failure? I would have liked to have lost 20 pounds. The thing about heart attacks is that your health care team will encourage you to drop a few pounds and then put you on medications that promote weight gain.
Did you suffer illness or injury? Yes, but minor–coughs, colds, routine aches and pains.
What was the best thing you bought? I sent a couple of NextMugs for Chica K and her hub. And one for a bestie who I hope isn’t reading this. And one for me. They’re self-heating mugs. They come with a rechargeable battery that you charge on a special coaster that you plug into your wall. And lemme tellya, you know milks cool your coffee or whipped cream cools your hot chocolate? Not any more! They’re one of those little splurges that enhance your quality of life by making something simple, like a hot beverage on a winter night, extra nice.
Here’s today’s ornament, sent to me by Chica K in a gift box along with a few other goodies, including a very nice throw that looks fabulous on my couch.
Whose behavior merited celebration? My friend Louise, who did not judge me but instead comforted me and helped me as I sobbed over Sparrow. France. Heck of an Olympics show. Gisèle Pelicot. The courage that woman has. Dare I say Luigi Mangione? He woke a lot of people up. He has also made a lot of people who should be scared, scared. As John F. Kennedy said, those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. My country is headed for some dark days.
Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? 77 million Americans. I can’t believe how racist, misogynistic, and bigoted so many of my fellow Americans are. As someone on a social put it, they’ll vote for a corpse before they vote for a woman.
Where did most of your money go? Rent.
What did you get really, really, really excited about? I had a lot of hope for Kamala Harris.
What song will always remind you of 2024? This came out in 2022 but #notallmen took off in 2024 in response to women choosing the bear. It’s not all men, but it’s always a man. Or, 70,000 men in rape chats. Or the one-third of college men who would rape a woman if they thought they could get away with it. And those are just the dumb ones who talk about it publicly. When the good men come forth, do the inner work, actively take steps to deconstruct the patriarchy, and confront and educate men who harm women, let me know, because I see precious few of them actually doing that.
Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? Neither. I’m angrier.
Older or wiser? Older, of course. We all are. Wiser, I don’t know. More cynical, definitely.
Thinner or fatter? Slightly fatter. See, resolutions I didn’t keep, above.
Richer or poorer? Richer.
What do you wish you’d done more of? Travel.
What do you wish you’d done less of? Work.
How did you spend Christmas? Chilling. That’s what I do.
How will you be spending New Year’s Eve? I’ll be seeing John Oliver.
What was your favorite TV program? Still What We Do In the Shadows. I heart Nandor, and I was sad to see the series end. Loved the second season of The Empress. Currently loving Dexter: Original Sin.
Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Hate is a strong word, but I didn’t know or care who JD Vance was a year ago and unfortunately, now I do.
What was the best book you read? Twilight Empress by Faith L. Justice, as that’s the only one I finished. But I’m enjoying Jonathan Kellerman’s Breakdown.
What was your greatest musical discovery? Jax.
What did you want and get? A new boss.
What did you want and not get? Six winning numbers. Or five.
What was your favorite film of this year? I didn’t go to the movies this year. Nothing really stood out to me on any of the streaming services.
What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Got take-out, which I always do. I keep the fortune in my wallet for the next year. Much to my relief, this time there was actually a fortune in my cookie, unlike in 2023. I’m not saying not having a fortune in your birthday fortune cookie is an omen, but I did have a heart attack a few days later.
What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Kamala Harris winning the U.S. election.
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2023? I don’t have one, but click here to see my rather neglected URSTYLE profile.
What kept you sane? Puzzles, games, and wild birds.
Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I’ve lost my taste for celebrities and public figures, actually.
What political issue stirred you the most? Every damn one of them.
Who do you miss? Inigo, with all my heart.
Who was the best new person/people you met? Probably the new director at work. He values work-life balance. Incredible in this day and age in the U.S., I know.
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2024: People who say they “understand the assignment” can’t be trusted. The math doesn’t add up. Maybe they understood the assignment, and maybe they even wrote it down in a memo pad, but when they went home to vote they left the memo pad in their locker. Also, a lot of White women have their heads up their arses with performative actions regarding racism. Blue bracelets and blue heart tattoos? That’s how you do the work? Really?
A quote that sums up your year: I am woman, hear me roar.
Not the happiest year, by far. I’m certainly grateful to be alive, without any cardiac complications, but damn, the whole world is on fire like I’ve never seen in my 58 years on the planet, and I don’t see it improving any time soon.
zenzalei 