Is it really mid-May already? When last we left off, it was the end of February. So much for my New Year’s Resolution of maintaining this blog.
For what it’s worth, I didn’t write in an online journal in April at all, but to check in a couple of times. I took a month off from all of that, and writing in a paper journal, just to rest and see if I could regain some semblance of motivation for anything as things had become a relentless grind since January. Get up, log on, work, log off, eat, watch TV, sleep, rinse, repeat.
I’m still a bit stuck, but have concluded that I’m in that weird place Carl Jung talked about when he described how people lose motivation after their awakening, enantiodromia. I’ve stopped chasing, stopped worrying about to-do lists, stopped caring about hustle, proving myself, and achieving—all the things that keep Washington, the institution running—and now find myself thinking “How much of this really matters?”
Part of it is that I’ve made some time to refocus on Zen and Stoicism. The first “rule” of both of them is to concern yourself only with what you can control: your actions, reactions, thoughts, and perceptions. The second “rule” is to let go of what you cannot control, and oofta, there’s a LOT of stuff I cannot control, like other people’s behavior and reactions, the evil in the world, and what happens around me.
When I stopped to think of all the things I can’t control, I started bowing out.
I will not engage in political discussions beyond agreeing with strangers’ social media posts. Someone wants to think I’m wrong? Okay.
Someone didn’t respond to a text? Okay.
Someone doesn’t have time to get together? Okay.
Someone doesn’t want to reschedule after breaking plans? Okay.
Someone didn’t respond to an email or call at work? Okay.
Someone gets angry after asking me to do something for them and I set a boundary and say no? Okay.
Traffic? Okay.
Bad weather? Okay.
Number I didn’t want to see on the scale? Okay.
No one wants to join me in something I’m doing or going where I’m going? Okay.
I’m not chasing. I’m not forcing. I’m not striving to make any points, get people to agree, impress, perform, or bring people into my sphere who don’t want to be there. I welcome those who are with me, let go of those who aren’t.
At any rate, that’s why I haven’t been around. I’m in what the video below describes as the Hermit stage, the phase between death and rebirth, and it’s all swirling around with rising detachment in the Zen sense. But I’m still floundering around a bit. Although I’ve begun to say no to things that don’t resonate, I’m still learning to let go of wanting things to be the way I want them to be rather than how they are. I just have to trust the process.
zenzalei 
I guess my question is: how do you differentiate awakening from depression? I’m really not trying to be flippant here — a lot of the things you listed (especially letting my ties to other people lapse) are exactly what I do when depressed.
Anyhow, I hope you’re well and I understand (waves at the world) if you’re not. I’m glad I added your blog to my RSS feed during Holidailies — someone is reading your posts!
https://nebulopathy.blogspot.com/
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Thank you! And that’s a good question. With me, depression manifests as irritability and anger. That’s not what I’m feeling. Also, lucky me, I know the DSM-5 criteria for depression like the back of my hand because of my job and I don’t meet the criteria.
The place I’m in now is more of a letting go of ego and is the result of returning to Zen and Stoicism. I had gotten away from both for about a year. Basically, I asked for this!
Is it uncomfortable? Yes. Egos don’t give up easily. But it’s a necessary part of the transition described in the video.
I do have a serious case of burn-out, though. That’s what prompted me to return to Zen and Stoicism, both of which happen to be great for setting boundaries and creating work-life balance.
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