Category: Jerks

Year-End Survey

This is going around another website where I like to write.

What did you do in 2023 that you’d never done before?
Taken a beloved pet to say goodbye. Go to Poland. Have a heart attack.

Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I mostly did. I will absolutely have a few resolutions for 2024, and will be revisiting a couple from 2023.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.

Did anyone close to you die?
This beautiful bird, Inigo the Nanday Conure, AKA The Nanner King. I’m still grieving. Twenty-one years together is a long time. What I wouldn’t give for one more day.

A Nanday Conure bird named Inigo.
Nanner King forever, forever my best friend.

Did anyone close to you get married?
No.

What countries did you visit?
Poland.

What would you like to have in 2024 that you lacked in 2023?
Career fulfillment.

What dates from 2023 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
March 10, when Inigo and I said goodbye. September 4, seeing Poets of the Fall in Warsaw. October 25, when I had my heart attack.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Surviving.

What was your biggest failure?
I would have liked to have saved more money, but I guess I did that by default when I had to cancel my trips to England and Finland.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yes. I’ve been through it.

What was the best thing you bought?
The weekend in Poland.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
My buddy Liz. I could not have gotten through this year without her. Also, all the friends who offered to help, send me food, bring me food, etc. after my heart attack. I was able to manage by myself, but it’s a balm to know that help is there if I need it.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
No one could make me depressed, but appalled? “Miranda.” (If you know, you know.) I’m pretty disgusted by Elmo Muskrat, too. And most of the Supreme Court.

Where did most of your money go?
Rent.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Poland! It was a great time with great people.

What song will always remind you of 2023?
“Through the Years,” by Kenny Rogers. Inigo loved country music and after we said goodbye that song came into my head and felt like a message from him. It still comes into my head at random moments, and then I feel his presence.

Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder:
Sadder. Grief will do that to you.

Older or wiser:
Older, of course. We all are. Wiser, yes. This was a terrible year.

Thinner or fatter:
Slightly thinner, but not much.

Richer or poorer:
The same.

What do you wish you’d done more of?
Travel.

What do you wish you’d done less of?
Work.

How did you spend Christmas?
Chilling. That said, I had a more socially active holiday season this year than I’ve had in 10 years.

How will you be spending New Year’s Eve?
Likely with friends, if I feel up to it. The last time I saw friends was a trivia night and by 9:00 I was feeling loopy and exhausted, so I hope I have the energy.

What was your favorite TV program?
What We Do In the Shadows. I heart Nandor.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Not hate, but I lost respect for a few people and no longer want anything to do with them.

What was the best book you read?
I haven’t finished anything I started, so nothing.

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Paris Paloma. Here’s my Song of the Year:

What did you want and get?
Out of the United States, but not for long enough.

What did you want and not get?
Six winning numbers. Or five.

What was your favorite film of this year?
The only new release I saw was Barbie, so I guess that wins by default.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Got take-out in which the fortune cookie had no fortune.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Five winning numbers. I don’t even need the sixth. Just enough to get me out of the rat race. A million with a multiplier would be just fine.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2023?
I don’t have one, but click here to see my rather neglected URSTYLE profile.

What kept you sane?
Friends.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I’ve lost my taste for celebrities and public figures, actually.

What political issue stirred you the most?
Reproductive rights. Don’t believe in abortion? Don’t have one. Oh, you think it’s wrong but you couldn’t have one anyway because you’re male and can’t get pregnant? Then stay out of two things: Vaginas and the way.

Who do you miss?
Inigo, with all my heart.

Who was the best new person/people you met?
Aleks and Claire. Met them in Poland and they’re great ladies.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2023:
I’m at an age where pretty much it’s all just confirmation of what I’ve already learned, but for this year, will go with “Don’t forget to just fucking chill,” from Masood Boomgaard, AKA Self-Help Singh

A quote that sums up your year:
The only way out is through.

Ex-finity

Ah, December 26. The day people return gifts, navigate travel home, nod through a slow day at work, or turn their thoughts toward the forthcoming new year. You know how people often say they want to stay up to ring in the new year? I want to stay up just to make sure this one leaves, because as noted in my first Holidailies entry this year, 2023 was the most painful year of my life.

In fact, I’m so traumatized by 2023 that I don’t trust entirely trust 2024 and therefore laughed hard enough to cry when I saw this posted somewhere online:

A Christmas ornament that says "Before I agree to 2024 I need to see some terms and conditions."

Speaking of terms and conditions, I’m about to give Xfinity/Comcast a swift kick in the behind. My bill went up $35 because my two-year contract ran out. Given that I love to binge-watch a good series and keep ghost-hunting shows on in the background, I have one of those premium packages with 185 channels, including HBO, Showtime, Starz, etc.

Yeah, well, my Roku gear is arriving tomorrow, for today was the last straw with the cable company and we can’t get Fios in my building. A couple of weeks after my heart attack, the Xfinity internet started acting wonky, right when I needed it to upload data from my heart monitor patch and phone. It took me four phone calls, four hours, and some tears to make them understand that I couldn’t wait a week with spotty internet while they got me on the schedule for a tech appointment. This time, it took me two phone calls, two hours, and a burgeoning fit of rage to get some sort of understanding of why my bill went up. I couldn’t access my statements online to see a breakdown of the charges and the chat agent spewed out nothing but scripted nonsense one step shy of complete gibberish.

But, see, trying to get a human on the phone is like getting a root canal without anesthetic. You may be familiar with a scenario like this:

Xfinity System: Hello [MISPRONOUNCED NAME]. Let me pull up your account. What would you like help with today? Say “billing” for help with your bill [and so on].

Me: Billing.

System: Okay. Did you know you can pay your bill online? We can send you a link. Would you like us to send you a link?

Me: No.

System: Okay, for payment options, say “payment” [and so on for five or six options] but if that doesn’t work, we can connect you to a live agent. However, we can text you a link to a website where you can chat with our chat support specialists. Would you like us to text you a link?

Me: No. Live agent.

System: Okay, we can connect you with a chat agent. We will send you a link.

Me: NO.

System: Sorry, I didn’t understand that.

Me: Live agent.

System: Okay, we can connect you with a live agent. But to avoid a wait, we can text you a link to–

Me: NO.

System: Sorry, I didn’t understand that. Would you like us to text you a link to a website so you can resolve your issue with one of our chat agents?

Me: NO, JACKASS.

System: Sorry, I didn’t understand that.

Me: Yes, you did. YES, YOU DID.

System: Sorry, I didn’t understand that.

Me: Live agent.

System: Okay, we can connect you with a live agent if–

Me: Live agent. Live agent. Live agent. Liveagentliveagentliveagent.

System: Okay. But to avoid a wait, we can text you a link to a website where one of our chat agents can help you. Would you like us to text you the link?

Me: [takes deep breaths]

System: If you don’t respond, this call will end.

Me: [takes more deep breaths and starts counting to 10]

System: If you don’t respond, this call will end. This call will end soon.

Me: DON’T YOU THREATEN ME, YOU VILE ZIT ON THE ASS OF HUMANITY. I SAID GIVE ME A LIVE AGENT LIVE AGENT LIVE AGENT LIVE AGENT GIVE ME A LIVE AGENT! RUN, YOU CUR! RUN! AND TELL ALL THE OTHER CURS THE LAW IS COMING. YOU TELL ‘EM I’M COMING AND HELL’S COMING WITH ME, YOU HEAR? HELL’S COMING WITH ME!!!!!

System: Transferring to a live agent.

So then I get a customer service rep that for the life of me I simply could not understand. I’m actually really good at understanding accents by non-native speakers, but every time I call Xfinity, I end up near tears and having to ask the customer service rep to spell words out so I can understand them. Today the rep kept saying something that sounded like “Tesla boom.” I think she meant “flex plan” but I just couldn’t understand her. So I go through all of that and then get put on hold for 20 minutes with no sound or music to indicate that the call is still live.

So of course I did what all stupid people do in that situation, which was hang up, call back, and go through all of that again. Only this time, I got a snitty rep who I had no patience for whatsoever and who flat-out lied to me and said that even if I got Roku, I would still need cable.

Well, we’ll see about that, won’t we?

Oh, Shut Up, Elmo.

You know what I want for Christmas? A Shut-Me-Up Elmo. Instead of tickling him, when he runs his mouth, you tell him to shut up and he apologizes for being an ignorant asshat and then never again speaks about things he knows nothing about.

Seriously. Eleven kids with three different women, and Elon Musk wants to talk about morality? So tired of these sexist jackdonkeys who think women’s highest achievement is to reproduce. Ya know, for the majority of women, it’s not rocket science. Lie on your back and let a dude ride raw and finish.

As for the rest, it is patently offensive and cruel to deem people who don’t have kids as “genetic dead ends.” Has that fool never heard of infertility? Not everyone who does want kids can have them or afford expensive fertility treatments.

He has also passed comments about how he thinks people who don’t have kids shouldn’t be allowed to vote because he thinks they have no stake in the future. I never wanted kids, but believe me, I have a stake in the future. I shudder to think of a world where egomaniacs like him get to dictate another human being’s life purpose, so one of the ways I seek to leave the world a better place than I found it is to counter ignorant commentary by his ilk.

Regardless, Elmo can run his yap about his OWN experience when he not only actively takes part in parenting on the level a woman does—there is a joke among kid-free feminists where women say “I’d make a great father”—AND he has raised kids into adults who actually want anything to do with him, because trust me, when your own daughter won’t speak to you, you’ve done something heinous as a parent.

Furthermore…

1. Eleven kids is a helluva lot of environmental destruction for one man’s ego. Ya wanna talk about morality? How about ethics?

2. Yes, other people’s kids will take care of me when I am old and ailing. They’re called nurses and home care aides. Having kids as some kind of insurance for adult daycare is both selfish and delusional. One visit to a nursing home should cure him of that notion. See also, “daughter who won’t speak to you,” above.

3. If you need to have kids to teach you how to love, be selfless, and have fulfillment, you’re entitled, privileged, selfish, and tedious to begin with. Having kids won’t change that. You’ll just raise them to be entitled, privileged, selfish, and tedious, too. Or, again, they won’t talk to you when they’re adults.

4. As for all these misogynists going on about Taylor Swift’s cover on Time, whining about her being an example of how feminism has “ruined women,” and nattering on about how she’s an “aging, promiscuous cat lady,” don’t threaten women with a good time, boys. If women would rather share their lives with creatures who crap in a box (or in my case, on newspapers or my sweatshirts) than you, you need to do some introspection on what kind of person you are and what it is you think you offer a woman because we don’t need either the money or the extra housework, and we can buy batteries.

A typical rebuttal from a misogynist is that “you need us to have children.” Well, no. We don’t really need men to have or raise children, either. I know several women who went to sperm banks in their late 30s and did IVF. These women have great careers and can provide for a child, and also have a great family and social network—the proverbial village in which to raise a child, including brothers and male friends who can offer a male’s perspective or be a father figure but whom they know will not indoctrinate their children in the ways of toxic masculinity. But again, if a woman is fertile and has all the social support that’s necessary for healthy parenting, all she needs to do is lie on her back (although I wouldn’t recommend that route, as it’s better to know a male’s genetic carriage like you would with a sperm bank). If that ticks off these fragile males, oh well. Be the kind of equal life partner and co-parent women would want to have a family with and you won’t have any problems living your dream of being a family man.

Another misogynistic rebuttal is “You need us to protect you.” From what? Oh, right, other men, both on an individual level with intimate partner violence, sexual assault, predation, and other crimes, and on a macro level with the wars that by and large are waged by men who fail to see a way to peace.

Yeah, no. Sell all of that somewhere else. Healthy, strong men who are comfortable in their skins live and let live.

I suppose now is as good a time as any to announce my Song of the Year, “Labour,” by Paris Paloma. It’s an ode to the unfair distribution of work in a heterosexual couple’s household and the realization that no man is ever a woman’s savior. Turn on captions to follow the lyrics.