Letter to the Larks

Dear Morning Larks:

Some of you have been rather prideful of late, going on about how the early bird catches the worm, morning is the most productive time of the day, rising with the dawn is the path to success, and so on. Some of you have been extra judgy about it, too, calling Night Owls “lazy” and “unambitious.”

Let me tell you something: Owls keep the world running, so you need to stop it with the stigma. When it’s 2:00 a.m. and you need an ambulance or emergency surgery, or your house is on fire, or you hear someone break in, it’s the Owls who will save you. It’s the Owls who watch your property while you sleep, take calls on 988 when you’re having a midnight crisis, capture the overnight news while you’re dreaming, and maintin national security by monitoring air, land, and sea while you’re slumbering blissfully unaware of the myriad ways your enemies pose a threat. Owls transport your mail and packages, drive your food across the country while it’s still fresh, and even take you and your loved ones from Point A to Point B in safety, though you call overnight flights “red-eyes” like that’s a bad thing. Owls maintain order, and without them you would be screwed.

Furthermore, Owls are hardwired. Over the years, research has shown that a tendency toward wakefulness at night is hereditary. One study found 351 genetic factors that influence whether a person prefers mornings or evenings. Another study suggests that Owls are more creative than Larks. Yet another study suggests that Owls have better cognitive function than Larks.

I believe all of it. My father did some of his best paintings at 1:00 a.m. and my mother, who had an I.Q. of 163, would not be able to sleep until 3:00 a.m. and would walk into walls when she got up for work during the week. I, myself, am an Owl, as verified by the Morningness-Eveningness Questionnaire. Given my druthers, I would go to sleep between 1:30 and 3:00 a.m. and get up between 8:30 and 10:00 a.m. I do my best work between 4:00 and 7:00 p.m. and have another burst of creativity around 11:00 p.m. And at the risk of sounding boastful, my I.Q. qualifies me for Mensa.

So kindly cease and desist with your slanderous characterizations of Owls. We are not defective, lazy, unambitious, unhealthy, or undisciplined. We are merely of the night, and you need us.

Sincerely,

Owls Everywhere

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And now for today’s candy: Sixlets! Not quite M&Ms but not quite malted milk balls, Sixlets is a “chocolate-flavored candy.” They are very light and have a nice little crunch, but I remember them always tasting a little stale and reminiscent of mothballs. Still, they’re a classic, and I love the nostalgia they conjure of Halloweens gone by.