Put up the tree tonight. As I was putting the lights on the middle section, there this downy little feather was, a gift from Inigo the Nanday.
His favorite song that I used to coo to him was “Silent Night.”
Oh, my heart, I miss you so, sweet boy. But I know you’re here. Nanner King forever, forever my best friend.
I was going to show you my 2024 ornament tonight, but that little feather was the most precious gift I could have gotten this Christmas, so I think I’ll just leave it at that.
The above is an epitaph on a Roman mausoleum, from a young woman about her older yet kind husband. I saw it on one of the Great Courses about the Roman Empire and had to save it.
I’ve become less frightened of death this last year and a half, even before the heart attack. When Inigo the Nanday Nanner King died, life changed completely and irrevocably. Twenty-one years is a long time to have a soul bird. Grief still hits me out of nowhere at times, but now I take comfort in sensing that whether by trick of dying synapses or a true departure of my life force and energy to another plane or merging with the cosmos, the last thing I will see as the final breath leaves my body will be my little feathered buddy coming down to get me, maybe with his brudduh Jimmy the Green Cheek behind him. A friend of mine once posted a picture of her soul cat with the caption, “I miss you, but every day brings me closer to you.” That’s kind of how I feel about it.
Back when my mother worked at one of the public utilities, someone drove up in a hearse to drop off his payment. She said the people in her office reacted to it differently depending on their age. The young laughed and said it was wild or funny that the guy drove up in it, and they ran out to see it. The folks nearing retirement looked out the window and critiqued the hearse itself, stating whether they wanted one like it or one a different color or model. The middle-aged people didn’t even want to look at it. I think I skipped the middle-aged “nope” kind of denial and went right to “the little practicalities” stage now that I know for sure that I got the Bad Gene.
In the meantime, I live. That’s what all who went before me would want.
Today’s candy is Now and Later. Makes sense for this entry. And they’re accidentally vegan. The banana ones were my favorite.
Dear Inigo:
It has been a whole year since we said goodbye. A lot has happened since then, most of it not so great, and it has been hard to get through it all without you by my side. Yes, little one, I know you’re still here, in my heart, in the sky, in the birds who come to visit. I can still feel you sitting on my chest or spreading your wings across my back, shoulder to shoulder in a birdie hug. But I miss your chatter, your dancing, your woodchipping, the way you held out your wings when I gave you a shower, the way you tilted your head when you were curious about something, the way you gobbled up your nanners…and blueberries…and pasta…and apple…and sweet peppers…and more nanners. You were–and remain–the Nanner King!
Little buddy, you taught me so much while you were here: dedication, devotion, unconditional love, and that we should appreciate our loved ones while they are still with us on Earth. At times you taught me patience, too, although I’m still working on that, ha ha.
I don’t know when we’ll be reunited. I mean, you already sent me back once! But when that day comes, I know the last thing I will see on Earth is you flying down to greet me, maybe with your brudduh Jimmy not far behind you, hovering and waiting for me to rise and join you. Until that day comes, I’ll be grateful for every time you visit in a dream, and I will do my best to find the happiness you’d want me to have. I love you now and always.
xoxo,
The Mommy
zenzalei 