Tag: Horrordailies

58!

I made it! I’m 58! This is a rare thing on my father’s side of the family. Only he lived longer than that, to 78, because he was a bit of a fitness nut. Everyone else was gone by 57.

As always, I got Chinese take-out. It’s my little tradition, one started in the ’90s when a bunch of my USPS coworkers took me out to lunch for my 30th birthday. I keep the fortune in my wallet all year as kind of a theme for my next trip around the sun.

Some may recall that last year, there was no fortune in my cookie. NOT that I’m superstitious or anything, but that is considered a bad omen, and I had a heart attack four days later, so I was very relieved to see the little slip of paper sticking out of my cookie tonight.

And my fortune is hilarious.

Yeah. No. I’d rather eat every gross candy in my previous entry. I took myself off the market at the end of June 2014 and—fellas, look away—I don’t miss one dang thing about being in a relationship. It’s too much emotional, logistical, physical, and financial labor for too little return on investment. And it’s just so confining, for me at least. Suffocating, even. It’s just not for me, the way having kids just wasn’t for me. Other folks, more power to ya. Whatever your life path and choices, if you’re happy, I’m happy for you.

Freedom, though—freedom to come and go as I wish, eat what I want, have a home as clean as I want, spend or save what I want, and basically just plain do what I want, without having to worry about anyone else or hearing anyone else’s unsolicited opinions (because so many American men sure are full of them regarding what women should and shouldn’t do, wear, eat, look like, or be)—that is divine. Freedom is yummy to the max, like my favorite candy, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Here’s the Halloween version, which is merely pumpkin-shaped and NOT pumpkin-flavored, thank gawd.

As for a “fulfilling relationship,” I take that to mean with myself, my body, my bank account, my work, or the environment and the other living creatures on Earth.

And now off to catch up on one of my shows.

Like The Golden Bachelorette.

Just kidding.

I’m all caught up on that.

I think Joan might end up with Chock at the very end. I’ve thought that all along, and I was there for it until he pulled that overbearing body posturing at the bowling alley. I felt bad for Joan, actually. Her body language in response to him hanging all over her really bothered me. It was like she was trying to make herself smaller, sitting with her knees up and her arms around her shins.

I’m surprised Jordan has made it this far. I thought he’d be out in the third round. He just seemed too nervous and the harsh lighting on set doesn’t do him any favors. (He’s a looker in photos, though.) Then I thought for sure Joan would go for Jonathan over Jordan. Joan and Jonathan would have been one HELLUVA striking couple. He’s hot of face and built like no one’s business. But if Jordan has made it this far, there’s something there, and if he makes it to the final two, then maybe it won’t be Chock. But my money is on Chock, even though he’s lost his appeal to me. I just want Joan to be happy. She’s a local gal, from the Maryland side of the river.

See? Might not be for me, but for those who enjoy relationships and being part of a couple, rock on. I hope you find your beautiful.

Pumpkin Yikes

After looking at those orange KitKats in the previous entry (which are orange-flavored white chocolate and have orange creme for the filling between the wafers), I decided to go on a mission and find candy that should not be pumpkin-flavored. I will preface this by saying I love me a good pumpkin spice muffin or cookie. They go beautifully with Twining’s Prince of Wales black tea. But is this really necessary?

The flavors are cinnamon, caramel apple, candy corn, and pumpkin spice. Tootsie Rolls are divisive enough in that a lot of people don’t like the original chocolate fudge ones, and even more don’t like the Tootsie Roll Twisties I mentioned way back on October 1, but these are…ugh, just no.

What about these?

Still no.

God, no.

Absolutely not.

FULL ON WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU NO.

I think the first thing I’m going to buy on November 1 is peppermint bark.

Witness to Stupidity

Many moons ago I dated a D.C. cop, and he used to say that only the stupid criminals get caught. Today I saw proof of that with my own eyes.

While on a walk through one of the District’s wealthier and more quiet neighborhoods, I witnessed a thug getting ready to break into someone’s house. He had climbed up the front of the building—yes, the front, in broad daylight—but apparently he was too much of a klutz to manage it and was dangling by one hand from a second-story window ledge. Truth be told, I might not have noticed him had he not let out an aggravated cuss.

At first I thought it was an attempted robbery, but he didn’t have a sack or backpack slung over his shoulder to suggest that he was about to make off with someone’s hard-earned valuables. All he carried was a large butcher knife.

Oh, this isn’t good, I thought. Not good at all.

Then I saw the dog. This numbnut had brought his dog with him to keep watch while he broke in. It was a mean creature, snarling and crouching as though ready to leap forward and rip open the throat of the first person who chanced by, like me.

Fortunately I was across the street and downwind from this ridiculous crime in progress, and rather than get mauled and quite possibly eaten alive, I ducked behind a car and took a few photos. I couldn’t get the guy’s face, though. He hung facing the house, unable to pull himself up to the window but unwilling to let go of the ledge and drop to the porch.

Come on, look over your shoulder. Show me your face.

No luck. This guy was quite frankly an idiot and very obviously stuck, so I punched in 911. It took the police five minutes to arrive, and you’d think that by then the guy would have just let go and fled. Nope. Only the dog had that much sense, running off into some nearby woods when the black-and-white pulled up. The perp hung there until the police helped him down and arrested him.

Yep, only the dumb ones get caught. Here he is:

And now for today’s candy: KitKats! I love these things, maybe a little too much.

Except I probably wouldn’t love these next ones. Orange? Ye gods, I hope they aren’t pumpkin-flavored. That would be a sacrilege.