Note to self for next Christmas: If you’re working in the same place, take the week between Christmas and New Year’s off. Better yet, go work for a place that’s closed that week. Better still, the whole country should just look at it like the U.S. version of August in Europe and just close up shop.
Why, yes, I’m feeling Grinchy right now, so here’s my Lenox Grinch ornament. Sometimes it’s like that.
Ah, December 26. The day people return gifts, navigate travel home, nod through a slow day at work, or turn their thoughts toward the forthcoming new year. You know how people often say they want to stay up to ring in the new year? I want to stay up just to make sure this one leaves, because as noted in my first Holidailies entry this year, 2023 was the most painful year of my life.
In fact, I’m so traumatized by 2023 that I don’t trust entirely trust 2024 and therefore laughed hard enough to cry when I saw this posted somewhere online:
Speaking of terms and conditions, I’m about to give Xfinity/Comcast a swift kick in the behind. My bill went up $35 because my two-year contract ran out. Given that I love to binge-watch a good series and keep ghost-hunting shows on in the background, I have one of those premium packages with 185 channels, including HBO, Showtime, Starz, etc.
Yeah, well, my Roku gear is arriving tomorrow, for today was the last straw with the cable company and we can’t get Fios in my building. A couple of weeks after my heart attack, the Xfinity internet started acting wonky, right when I needed it to upload data from my heart monitor patch and phone. It took me four phone calls, four hours, and some tears to make them understand that I couldn’t wait a week with spotty internet while they got me on the schedule for a tech appointment. This time, it took me two phone calls, two hours, and a burgeoning fit of rage to get some sort of understanding of why my bill went up. I couldn’t access my statements online to see a breakdown of the charges and the chat agent spewed out nothing but scripted nonsense one step shy of complete gibberish.
But, see, trying to get a human on the phone is like getting a root canal without anesthetic. You may be familiar with a scenario like this:
Xfinity System: Hello [MISPRONOUNCED NAME]. Let me pull up your account. What would you like help with today? Say “billing” for help with your bill [and so on].
Me: Billing.
System: Okay. Did you know you can pay your bill online? We can send you a link. Would you like us to send you a link?
Me: No.
System: Okay, for payment options, say “payment” [and so on for five or six options] but if that doesn’t work, we can connect you to a live agent. However, we can text you a link to a website where you can chat with our chat support specialists. Would you like us to text you a link?
Me: No. Live agent.
System: Okay, we can connect you with a chat agent. We will send you a link.
Me: NO.
System: Sorry, I didn’t understand that.
Me: Live agent.
System: Okay, we can connect you with a live agent. But to avoid a wait, we can text you a link to–
Me: NO.
System: Sorry, I didn’t understand that. Would you like us to text you a link to a website so you can resolve your issue with one of our chat agents?
Me: NO, JACKASS.
System: Sorry, I didn’t understand that.
Me: Yes, you did. YES, YOU DID.
System: Sorry, I didn’t understand that.
Me: Live agent.
System: Okay, we can connect you with a live agent if–
Me: Live agent. Live agent. Live agent. Liveagentliveagentliveagent.
System: Okay. But to avoid a wait, we can text you a link to a website where one of our chat agents can help you. Would you like us to text you the link?
Me: [takes deep breaths]
System: If you don’t respond, this call will end.
Me: [takes more deep breaths and starts counting to 10]
System: If you don’t respond, this call will end. This call will end soon.
Me: DON’T YOU THREATEN ME, YOU VILE ZIT ON THE ASS OF HUMANITY. I SAID GIVE ME A LIVE AGENT LIVE AGENT LIVE AGENT LIVE AGENT GIVE ME A LIVE AGENT! RUN, YOU CUR! RUN! AND TELL ALL THE OTHER CURS THE LAW IS COMING. YOU TELL ‘EM I’M COMING AND HELL’S COMING WITH ME, YOU HEAR? HELL’S COMING WITH ME!!!!!
System: Transferring to a live agent.
So then I get a customer service rep that for the life of me I simply could not understand. I’m actually really good at understanding accents by non-native speakers, but every time I call Xfinity, I end up near tears and having to ask the customer service rep to spell words out so I can understand them. Today the rep kept saying something that sounded like “Tesla boom.” I think she meant “flex plan” but I just couldn’t understand her. So I go through all of that and then get put on hold for 20 minutes with no sound or music to indicate that the call is still live.
So of course I did what all stupid people do in that situation, which was hang up, call back, and go through all of that again. Only this time, I got a snitty rep who I had no patience for whatsoever and who flat-out lied to me and said that even if I got Roku, I would still need cable.
Well, we’ll see about that, won’t we?
Merry Christmas to all who celebrate it!
I’m utterly wiped out, so here are the two commemorative ornaments I bought this year. I bought the first one because Macy’s had a sale for 75% off Christmas decor and I wanted something with the year on it. I’m not wild about it—the perfectionist in me wants a matching one for the other hand so I could hang them side by side in a true pair—but I wasn’t sure if I would find anything else in time.
After I bought the mitten ornament and a few others, plus a star for next year’s tree, I went to CVS to pick up a few things and they had this one. I like it better. It’s more me. But hey, 2023 was extra hard, so why not get two ornaments to add some cheer to the holidays?
And now for the final state Christmas tree, Washington. Love the Big Foot near the top! This one goes out to my dear friend Kari and her husband Dave. I “met” Kari through my online private journal 21 years ago, and then we met for real in 2004 when she and Dave rented a place in Manhattan for a month. My ex-hub and I went up to meet them and a few other folks I’ve since fallen out of touch with. Right away I was struck by how much style they both had, and how truly in love with one another they were. I’m SUPER cynical about marriage (my own was limping along at the time and that weekend was the final straw for me in ways I won’t get into here), but those two are just so right for each other.
But beyond that, Kari just gets me in a way only a few other people do. She understands my introvert moments, my ironically ambivalent pride in being a member of Generation X, and my appreciation of a good ghost story. She’s one of those people that you can have an entire conversation with using just quotes from a TV series or a movie (actually, so is Dave), and we’ve had running jokes for years about the weather based on a YouTuber’s famous “It’s Hot As Hell” rant and Cathy Ladman’s Christmas routine about the Three Wise Men. In fact, Kari sent me a little bottle of myrrh that I keep on my desk, along with some peppermint headache balm that I often use on weekdays. So, here’s to the bestest couple ever! I’m due for a visit out your way. Say when.
zenzalei 