Oh, my word. There has been such ugliness these past few days. First, I’m going to put this out there about how people are reacting to Joe Biden’s cancer. I think it says everything that needs to be said with respect to how a lot of MAGA people are calling the diagnosis “karma.”
Indeed. It seems empathy and compassion are completely shot in the U.S.
Look at what Congress and the Senate are doing. The current budget bill would pretty much destroy Medicare, Medicaid, and SNAP. These odious Republicans are not going to be happy until the poor have nothing left to lose. It’s very short-sighted of them. See: France, 1789. Tell ya what, though. Most people aren’t going to care about which party someone belongs to when it comes to putting heads on pikes. At that point, all politicians are going to look the same because deep down, most of them are. Cory Booker, I’m looking at you. (Booker voted to approve Ivanka Trump’s felonious father-in-law as ambassador to France.) You’re not much better, Bernie Sanders, what with your comments on “identity politics.” Thanks for reminding us all that you are, at heart, an obliviously privileged cis-het white male.
And then my heart just broke today when I read of the 14,000 chicks abandoned in a hot USPS truck for three days without food and water so that nearly 4,000 of them died. Who in heaven’s name made it legal to ship chicks through the mail?
If you’d like to help with a donation, foster, or adoption, the name of the shelter that is caring for them is First State Animal Shelter and SPCA. You can make a donation through their website.
This morning when I went out to the balcony I found this:
There were also piles of Mourning Dove feathers in the corners along the wall. There was no body, so at first I wasn’t sure what had happened and I made the emotionally scarring decision to find a video of a Hawk catching prey to see if that might have been the case. Oh, dear Fate and Universe, I am 99% sure that’s what happened. Barring outside interference, Hawks pluck the prey’s feathers where they catch the prey, usually while the prey is still breathing its last, and then once the prey dies, they carry it off to the nest or a tree to eat or feed to their babies.
If you know me or have even read more than a couple of my entries, you can imagine how all of this ripped my heart out. I spent the better part of the day fearing the Dove had been Stormy, the little one that appeared on the balcony railing during a sudden and violent summer storm a few months after Inigo died and is never far from me. That a Hawk caught and killed a Dove a few feet from me as I was sleeping, and that I slept through it was unimaginable, but perhaps that means it happened mercifully quickly.
That it’s my fault by drawing so many birds near to me, and thus attracting the attention of the Hawk, is unbearable. Yes, I know Hawks have to eat, too. In fact, around here it’s better for the Hawks to eat birds than rodents because so many people like those who make the decisions for groundskeeping here use those odious rat boxes. Most of the rodents who eat the bait don’t actually stay in the box. They go off thinking they had a meal, and then they die a gruesome, painful, days-long and lingering death by internal bleeding because the poison is an anticoagulant. Any predator who catches and eats a poisoned rodent also gets the anticoagulant effects of the poison and suffers the same fate. Someone in a neighborhood FB group found a dead Hawk down the block from me, perhaps this Hawk’s mate. It was by the side of the road so it may have been struck by a car, but she said there didn’t seem to be any broken bones, so it might also have been from eating a poisoned rodent. But just because Hawks have to eat, that doesn’t mean I want them killing birds on my balcony.
I already had a discussion with this one, actually, last week. I think it’s a Cooper’s. It landed on in the Crepe Myrtle right next to the Peregrine decoy (which really needs to be moved because it’s not doing anything), and I reminded it, loudly, that I’m the apex predator around here and it needed to hunt in the park or along the trail. People often confuse Cooper’s Hawks with Sharp-Shinned Hawks but Shinnies tend to live in forests and don’t eat larger birds like Mourning Doves, instead sticking to songbirds like Sparrows and Chickadees. Cooper’s would also make sense because not only do they tend to live in more urban areas and eat larger birds like Doves, they also eat rodents and small mammals and I have not seen a single squirrel since before Christmas, which is really unusual. Last winter there were four who always came by. Two, Sparky and Rascal, died last summer, one from that blasted rat poison and the other from a car. Two black ones, Midnight and Shadow, disappeared early last Fall. Sunny’s friend got hit by a car before I could name him, which left Sunny, who disappeared before Christmas, and I haven’t seen a squirrel on the property since.
It turned out that the Dove was not Stormy, as she and her mate appeared in their spot in the Maple tree out front this afternoon. But it was a member of the Mourning Dove flock whose members come to the balcony before first light and again at sunset, and sun themselves on the railing and my bedroom windowsill on and off throughout the day. My guess is that it might have been the Dove who flew into the window yesterday. It might have been slow to flee when the Hawk swooped in.
This morning as I cleaned the balcony, the Sparrows and Northern Mockingbirds all flew to the trees and watched me expectantly. I collected a few of the fallen Dove’s feathers, then swept the rest off the balcony to be carried away by the wind. The birds watched me, and watched the feathers drift through the air. They dispersed when I brought out the bucket of water, like they always do because they know there will be no vittles if the Bird Lady is cleaning. I thought they might not come back, nor the Doves, but this afternoon they all came around. When I went out there for some air, the Sparrows flew up from the holly hedges into the trees to watch me, and the Mockingbirds landed on the livingroom windowsill. When I went inside, the Mourning Doves came to the balcony and pecked at the bare concrete. The Sparrows came down, too, and began walking in circles, confused by the lack of food.
I felt terrible for them, so I did a supervised feeding. They all devoured the food in less than three minutes with me watching from the doorway, inside broom in hand, ready to run out and let any predators know I was there. At 5:30 I took a break from working and the Doves were again pecking at the ground and the Mockingbirds were on the railing. I did another supervised feeding, this time including a water tray, and the water tray was even more popular than the food. The Mockingbirds were super thirsty for some reason. I guess they don’t resort to snow when there’s no water around like the other birds.
All but the Doves took off after there was no more food to eat. It seemed the Doves didn’t want to leave, even when I went to the doorway, and a few of them looked like they were settling down to roost for the night on the windowsill. Two firetrucks were parked across the street, red lights flashing, and they seemed a bit nervous by all the commotion, but I couldn’t let them stay there. I opened the door and off they flew to the three broadleaf evergreen trees on the property where the Mockingbirds and Blue Jays also sleep.
I won’t be putting seeds out before I go to bed like I usually do. I’d rather not feed them at all for a week or so, and let the Hawk find somewhere else to hunt, like the park a block away. But these birds are going to be around no matter what. The Sparrows live in one giant holly bush at the entrance to the property, the Mockingbirds live in the broadleafs, and the Doves hang out in the bare Maple trees. They’re not going to disperse like they do in suburbia. There are too many people around who leave too much for them to scavenge. And Mourning Doves, much as I love them, are a bit obstinate. They’ll be the last to leave unless there’s a deterrent.
So instead I’m going to put out my big broom, the one with orange bristles and orange grips on the handle that I use to clean the balcony concrete. The birds don’t like that broom at all, so hopefully no one will get the idea to come around before I get up. For added measure, I’m going to tape up a few pictures of Owl decoys. That should at least keep the Doves and songbirds away until I get up. If they want breakfast, they’re going to have to wait for me to supervise them.
Tonight I will think of the Mourning Dove who died this morning as I add his or her feathers to those that came to me through more gentle means. Rest in peace, little one. Your hardship this winter is over.
This entry is dedicated to Peep, a sweet Northern Mockingbird youngster I tried desperately to help last summer, but was unable to save.
This entry is also dedicated to Sparrow, a Sparrow who died in my hands after being attacked by a Grackle; Sparky and Rascal the Squirrels who passed likely due to rat poison; the squirrel who was already gone when I found her and is buried in a park nearby; the Pigeon who was already gone whom I buried near a park; a baby bird who was already gone whom I laid to rest under a shrub; Holly, another Sparrow who came for help on my balcony, but who, like Peep, I could not save; the Crows who were so far gone I could not lift them to bury them; and the millions of birds, animals, sea creatures, reptiles, and insects who suffered and died this year because of humans. They mattered, and they are forever in my heart. If I could change one thing about humanity, it would be to open its eyes to what I see and feel from every living creature I encounter, so that our species would live in harmony with theirs.
What did you do in 2024 that you’d never done before? Go to cardiac rehab. Have a couple of social media posts go viral.
Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I mostly did. I will absolutely have a few resolutions for 2025, and will be revisiting a couple from 2024.
Did anyone close to you give birth? No.
Did anyone close to you die? Susan and I weren’t close, but I considered her a friend. The first time I saw Poets of the Fall in concert and the last time she saw them in concert we were together. She once sent me a short story she had written and I wish I could have seen more of her writing before she died. I miss her.
Did anyone close to you get married? A lovely woman in my city-hiking group did. Congrats Amanda and Nav!
What countries did you visit? None, alas. I had to cancel my trip to Portugal on account of cardiac rehab.
What would you like to have in 2025 that you lacked in 2024? A million bucks.
What dates from 2024 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? June 8, when Sparrow died in my hands. Some of my friends and acquaintances found out just how much I love birds that day. November 5, when my country died in a voting booth.
What was your biggest achievement of the year? Bringing my ejection fraction from 40% on the day of my heart attack to 65% before I finished cardiac rehab. Healthy ejection fraction, also known colloquially as “heart function” is between 55% and 70%. More than one doctor did a double-take when looking at my charts and scans.
What was your biggest failure? I would have liked to have lost 20 pounds. The thing about heart attacks is that your health care team will encourage you to drop a few pounds and then put you on medications that promote weight gain.
Did you suffer illness or injury? Yes, but minor–coughs, colds, routine aches and pains.
What was the best thing you bought? I sent a couple of NextMugs for Chica K and her hub. And one for a bestie who I hope isn’t reading this. And one for me. They’re self-heating mugs. They come with a rechargeable battery that you charge on a special coaster that you plug into your wall. And lemme tellya, you know milks cool your coffee or whipped cream cools your hot chocolate? Not any more! They’re one of those little splurges that enhance your quality of life by making something simple, like a hot beverage on a winter night, extra nice.
Here’s today’s ornament, sent to me by Chica K in a gift box along with a few other goodies, including a very nice throw that looks fabulous on my couch.
Whose behavior merited celebration? My friend Louise, who did not judge me but instead comforted me and helped me as I sobbed over Sparrow. France. Heck of an Olympics show. Gisèle Pelicot. The courage that woman has. Dare I say Luigi Mangione? He woke a lot of people up. He has also made a lot of people who should be scared, scared. As John F. Kennedy said, those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. My country is headed for some dark days.
Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? 77 million Americans. I can’t believe how racist, misogynistic, and bigoted so many of my fellow Americans are. As someone on a social put it, they’ll vote for a corpse before they vote for a woman.
Where did most of your money go? Rent.
What did you get really, really, really excited about? I had a lot of hope for Kamala Harris.
What song will always remind you of 2024? This came out in 2022 but #notallmen took off in 2024 in response to women choosing the bear. It’s not all men, but it’s always a man. Or, 70,000 men in rape chats. Or the one-third of college men who would rape a woman if they thought they could get away with it. And those are just the dumb ones who talk about it publicly. When the good men come forth, do the inner work, actively take steps to deconstruct the patriarchy, and confront and educate men who harm women, let me know, because I see precious few of them actually doing that.
Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? Neither. I’m angrier.
Older or wiser? Older, of course. We all are. Wiser, I don’t know. More cynical, definitely.
Thinner or fatter? Slightly fatter. See, resolutions I didn’t keep, above.
Richer or poorer? Richer.
What do you wish you’d done more of? Travel.
What do you wish you’d done less of? Work.
How did you spend Christmas? Chilling. That’s what I do.
How will you be spending New Year’s Eve? I’ll be seeing John Oliver.
What was your favorite TV program? Still What We Do In the Shadows. I heart Nandor, and I was sad to see the series end. Loved the second season of The Empress. Currently loving Dexter: Original Sin.
Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Hate is a strong word, but I didn’t know or care who JD Vance was a year ago and unfortunately, now I do.
What was the best book you read? Twilight Empress by Faith L. Justice, as that’s the only one I finished. But I’m enjoying Jonathan Kellerman’s Breakdown.
What was your greatest musical discovery? Jax.
What did you want and get? A new boss.
What did you want and not get? Six winning numbers. Or five.
What was your favorite film of this year? I didn’t go to the movies this year. Nothing really stood out to me on any of the streaming services.
What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Got take-out, which I always do. I keep the fortune in my wallet for the next year. Much to my relief, this time there was actually a fortune in my cookie, unlike in 2023. I’m not saying not having a fortune in your birthday fortune cookie is an omen, but I did have a heart attack a few days later.
What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Kamala Harris winning the U.S. election.
How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2023? I don’t have one, but click here to see my rather neglected URSTYLE profile.
What kept you sane? Puzzles, games, and wild birds.
Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I’ve lost my taste for celebrities and public figures, actually.
What political issue stirred you the most? Every damn one of them.
Who do you miss? Inigo, with all my heart.
Who was the best new person/people you met? Probably the new director at work. He values work-life balance. Incredible in this day and age in the U.S., I know.
Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2024: People who say they “understand the assignment” can’t be trusted. The math doesn’t add up. Maybe they understood the assignment, and maybe they even wrote it down in a memo pad, but when they went home to vote they left the memo pad in their locker. Also, a lot of White women have their heads up their arses with performative actions regarding racism. Blue bracelets and blue heart tattoos? That’s how you do the work? Really?
A quote that sums up your year: I am woman, hear me roar.
Not the happiest year, by far. I’m certainly grateful to be alive, without any cardiac complications, but damn, the whole world is on fire like I’ve never seen in my 58 years on the planet, and I don’t see it improving any time soon.
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