Pumpkin Yikes

After looking at those orange KitKats in the previous entry (which are orange-flavored white chocolate and have orange creme for the filling between the wafers), I decided to go on a mission and find candy that should not be pumpkin-flavored. I will preface this by saying I love me a good pumpkin spice muffin or cookie. They go beautifully with Twining’s Prince of Wales black tea. But is this really necessary?

The flavors are cinnamon, caramel apple, candy corn, and pumpkin spice. Tootsie Rolls are divisive enough in that a lot of people don’t like the original chocolate fudge ones, and even more don’t like the Tootsie Roll Twisties I mentioned way back on October 1, but these are…ugh, just no.

What about these?

Still no.

God, no.

Absolutely not.

FULL ON WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU NO.

I think the first thing I’m going to buy on November 1 is peppermint bark.

Witness to Stupidity

Many moons ago I dated a D.C. cop, and he used to say that only the stupid criminals get caught. Today I saw proof of that with my own eyes.

While on a walk through one of the District’s wealthier and more quiet neighborhoods, I witnessed a thug getting ready to break into someone’s house. He had climbed up the front of the building—yes, the front, in broad daylight—but apparently he was too much of a klutz to manage it and was dangling by one hand from a second-story window ledge. Truth be told, I might not have noticed him had he not let out an aggravated cuss.

At first I thought it was an attempted robbery, but he didn’t have a sack or backpack slung over his shoulder to suggest that he was about to make off with someone’s hard-earned valuables. All he carried was a large butcher knife.

Oh, this isn’t good, I thought. Not good at all.

Then I saw the dog. This numbnut had brought his dog with him to keep watch while he broke in. It was a mean creature, snarling and crouching as though ready to leap forward and rip open the throat of the first person who chanced by, like me.

Fortunately I was across the street and downwind from this ridiculous crime in progress, and rather than get mauled and quite possibly eaten alive, I ducked behind a car and took a few photos. I couldn’t get the guy’s face, though. He hung facing the house, unable to pull himself up to the window but unwilling to let go of the ledge and drop to the porch.

Come on, look over your shoulder. Show me your face.

No luck. This guy was quite frankly an idiot and very obviously stuck, so I punched in 911. It took the police five minutes to arrive, and you’d think that by then the guy would have just let go and fled. Nope. Only the dog had that much sense, running off into some nearby woods when the black-and-white pulled up. The perp hung there until the police helped him down and arrested him.

Yep, only the dumb ones get caught. Here he is:

And now for today’s candy: KitKats! I love these things, maybe a little too much.

Except I probably wouldn’t love these next ones. Orange? Ye gods, I hope they aren’t pumpkin-flavored. That would be a sacrilege.

Headstone Faux Pas

On old cemetery headstone next to a headless statue.
Image: Gary Meulemans

While I was clicking around Unsplash tonight looking for poetic inspiration, I noticed this headstone. This is a peeve of mine. If you’re going to join the ranks of the fanged, at some point go back and put a death date on your headstone so people don’t start asking questions. Sheesh!

And now for today’s candy, Chuckles! I haven’t had them in years, but back when I was commuting to and from Manhattan, I would stop at a newsstand and pick up a pack before I boarded the train home. When I was a kid I favored the red and black ones, but in my 40s, I fell in love with the green ones. Does taste in candy mature?

That’s all for tonight, kids. I’m low on energy and need to get some hemoglobin in me because I’m doing some daywalking tomorrow and need my strength. Wink-wink, nudge-nudge.