Category: Music

It’s Beginning to Smell A Lot Like Not This

It’s late and I’m beat, so this is a quickie.

Today Holidailies would like to know the top three scents or flavors that always evoke holidays for you. I believe I answered this one last year (pine, peppermint, and allspice–I think) so I’ll tell you what does NOT evoke holidays for me. This stuff:

A candle called Woodland Path designed to smell like cedar and fresh pine.

It smelled so nice in the grocery store, cedar and fresh pine, just like the label says. When I bought it I couldn’t wait to go home and light it. I got out the lighter and was just about to take it to the wicks and then I smelled it. Something was off. Way off. As in it reminded me of something I didn’t want to be reminded of. I couldn’t place it at first, probably out of denial, but with each sinus-cramping sniff, it emerged from the depths of my scent memory.

It smelled like a million bad dates from my late teens and early 20s, a time in life when the males of the species are so used to the olfactory assault of the sweaty gym clothes piled up on their floors and doing the sniff test to see if a shirt they already wore twice can go a third round that they become nose-blind and end up practically bathing in every young guy’s go-to cologne once he outgrows Paco Rabanne and Polo. It smelled like cars borrowed from fathers and older brothers, dorm room sex, and hangovers. It smelled like…

Drakkar Noir men's fragrance.

Now, see, I’m sure there are a lot of guys out there who love this stuff. But for the love of all that is holy, don’t spray it directly onto your skin, fellas. Spray it up into the air and then walk through the mist like you’re going under a limbo stick. ONCE.

As for me, it’s a “no.” Too many horny dudes who doused themselves in it tried to get into my pants back in the late 80s and 90s and it triggers an automatic rejection from my lizard brain.

This is not to say Tuscany candles are bad. Here’s one of my favorites:

A candle called Peony Blossom.

That’s my spring candle, though. I have one for each season. My summer one is Yankee Candle’s Iced Berry Lemonade, which is below half and a little too sooty for me to show you. It’s juicy, though. Makes me wish it was a slushy so I could drink it.

I guess I’ll have to go with my fall candle this holiday season. I haven’t used it yet, but it does remind me of the holidays.

A candle designed to smell like apples.

One of my favorite rock stars has a thing for apples, so I’ll have to put on his band’s music when I light it. Too bad they don’t have a holiday album. Get on that, Poets of the Fall, would ya?

And now to post this and hit the hay. No snowflake tonight again. Tuesdays and Wednesdays are my in-office days and by the time I get home, work out, shower up, and have dinner, I have almost no time left before it’s lights out. I’ll finish one on my lunch break tomorrow.

Oh, and I’ll be seeing the state trees on Friday the 13th. Just too much work to do, and I love to tempt fate.

Year-End Survey

This is going around another website where I like to write.

What did you do in 2023 that you’d never done before?
Taken a beloved pet to say goodbye. Go to Poland. Have a heart attack.

Did you keep your New Years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I mostly did. I will absolutely have a few resolutions for 2024, and will be revisiting a couple from 2023.

Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.

Did anyone close to you die?
This beautiful bird, Inigo the Nanday Conure, AKA The Nanner King. I’m still grieving. Twenty-one years together is a long time. What I wouldn’t give for one more day.

A Nanday Conure bird named Inigo.
Nanner King forever, forever my best friend.

Did anyone close to you get married?
No.

What countries did you visit?
Poland.

What would you like to have in 2024 that you lacked in 2023?
Career fulfillment.

What dates from 2023 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
March 10, when Inigo and I said goodbye. September 4, seeing Poets of the Fall in Warsaw. October 25, when I had my heart attack.

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Surviving.

What was your biggest failure?
I would have liked to have saved more money, but I guess I did that by default when I had to cancel my trips to England and Finland.

Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yes. I’ve been through it.

What was the best thing you bought?
The weekend in Poland.

Whose behavior merited celebration?
My buddy Liz. I could not have gotten through this year without her. Also, all the friends who offered to help, send me food, bring me food, etc. after my heart attack. I was able to manage by myself, but it’s a balm to know that help is there if I need it.

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
No one could make me depressed, but appalled? “Miranda.” (If you know, you know.) I’m pretty disgusted by Elmo Muskrat, too. And most of the Supreme Court.

Where did most of your money go?
Rent.

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Poland! It was a great time with great people.

What song will always remind you of 2023?
“Through the Years,” by Kenny Rogers. Inigo loved country music and after we said goodbye that song came into my head and felt like a message from him. It still comes into my head at random moments, and then I feel his presence.

Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder:
Sadder. Grief will do that to you.

Older or wiser:
Older, of course. We all are. Wiser, yes. This was a terrible year.

Thinner or fatter:
Slightly thinner, but not much.

Richer or poorer:
The same.

What do you wish you’d done more of?
Travel.

What do you wish you’d done less of?
Work.

How did you spend Christmas?
Chilling. That said, I had a more socially active holiday season this year than I’ve had in 10 years.

How will you be spending New Year’s Eve?
Likely with friends, if I feel up to it. The last time I saw friends was a trivia night and by 9:00 I was feeling loopy and exhausted, so I hope I have the energy.

What was your favorite TV program?
What We Do In the Shadows. I heart Nandor.

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Not hate, but I lost respect for a few people and no longer want anything to do with them.

What was the best book you read?
I haven’t finished anything I started, so nothing.

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Paris Paloma. Here’s my Song of the Year:

What did you want and get?
Out of the United States, but not for long enough.

What did you want and not get?
Six winning numbers. Or five.

What was your favorite film of this year?
The only new release I saw was Barbie, so I guess that wins by default.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Got take-out in which the fortune cookie had no fortune.

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Five winning numbers. I don’t even need the sixth. Just enough to get me out of the rat race. A million with a multiplier would be just fine.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2023?
I don’t have one, but click here to see my rather neglected URSTYLE profile.

What kept you sane?
Friends.

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I’ve lost my taste for celebrities and public figures, actually.

What political issue stirred you the most?
Reproductive rights. Don’t believe in abortion? Don’t have one. Oh, you think it’s wrong but you couldn’t have one anyway because you’re male and can’t get pregnant? Then stay out of two things: Vaginas and the way.

Who do you miss?
Inigo, with all my heart.

Who was the best new person/people you met?
Aleks and Claire. Met them in Poland and they’re great ladies.

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2023:
I’m at an age where pretty much it’s all just confirmation of what I’ve already learned, but for this year, will go with “Don’t forget to just fucking chill,” from Masood Boomgaard, AKA Self-Help Singh

A quote that sums up your year:
The only way out is through.

A South Shore Girl

I clicked the random Holidailies prompt, and it was perfect: “Do you still live in the place where you grew up? How far away are you now, and why?”

I live about a six-hour drive from where I grew up, which was on Long Island. (ON Long Island. Never say “IN Long Island.” You’ll reveal yourself as one who has never set foot there and anyone who has ever lived there or in New York City will correct you on the spot.) On Long Island you had the rich kids on the North Shore and the cool kids on the South Shore and I’m proud to say that while I wasn’t rich, or even all that cool, I’m from the South Shore.

Long Island is known for a lot of things. It’s where a lot of people who work in Manhattan live. The beaches are gorgeous. If you like guys who are into cars you can take your pick. Then there’s wine country, the Hamptons, and Montauk. If you head out to the South Fork you will pass the Big Duck, which was originally built in 1931 by duck farmer Martin Maurer and used as a shop to sell ducks and duck eggs.

A building in the shape of a giant duck.
Image: Mike Peel

Here’s my Big Duck Christmas ornament, along with one of the ornaments from a set that used to be my parents’. I lived on Long Island for most of my 40s and got the Big Duck ornament when a friend came up to visit me and we went wine tasting.

Two Christmas ornaments, one in the shape of a duck, the other featuring a poinsettia.

No discussion of Long Island would be complete without mentioning the musicians who either hailed from there or decided to base themselves there, including Billy Joel, Pat Benatar, The Stray Cats, Steve Vai, Twisted Sister, Lou Reed, and Blue Oyster Cult.

In fact, LL Cool J was born in my hometown, Bay Shore. The town has several other claims to fame—it’s where you catch the ferry to Fire Island, it’s close to Robert Moses State Park and its beaches, it’s home to the Boulton Center for the Performing Arts (where I once saw Henry Rollins do spoken word)—but my favorite is that for nearly 100 years, the town was home to a huge Entenmann’s bakery.

Everyone loved Entenmann’s. There was nothing, but nothing, better than being there at just the right moment when the apple pies came off the line and were still warm in the box when you bought them. They would also have “dollar days” where you could get goodies that were getting close to their sell-by date or whose boxes were slightly wonky for only a buck. Entenmann’s cakes froze pretty well, so people would go in with shopping carts and go nuts with a twenty-dollar bill.

My favorite Entenmann’s cake was the chocolate with white icing with chocolate stripes and a single maraschino cherry on top. I think the chocolate might have been devil’s food, but then they introduced another goodie, a devil’s food cake with marshmallow icing and devil’s food crumbles on top. The banana cake was amazing, too. Then there were the chocolate glazed doughnuts with the chocolate crumbles on top that were also coated with powdered sugar just in case your pancreas  My parents always had an Entenmann’s coffee crumb cake on reserve in case company came over, so Sebastian Maniscalco’s comedy routine about that is spot on.

Living so close to the bakery made waiting for the school bus more bearable. On days when the wind was just right, our part of town would smell like a warm blueberry muffin in the morning.

Why am I in northern Virginia? I went to college at George Washington University in D.C., fell in love with the city, and decided to stay in the area. Barring eight years back on the Island in my 40s that I still haven’t decided if I regret, and one year in Hawaii that I don’t regret but probably should, I’ve been in the D.C. area ever since.

And now for the tree from my home state, New York. I love the ornament with the pizza slice. There really is no pizza like New York pizza. It’s the dough and the Mafia tomatoes in the sauce.

New York's state Christmas tree, 2023.
New York’s state Christmas tree, 2023. Click to embiggen.

P.S. Don’t touch the crumb cake. It’s for company.