Category: Health

Save Me, Citrus!

Still a bit under the weather. Did you know that your salivary glands can get stones that block the ducts and make your face blow up so that you look like a bizarre hybrid of human and chipmunk? Now you do.

At least, that’s what the primary care nurse practitioner and I think it is.

Well, that is another possibility but otolaryngology (ear, nose, and through, or ENT) is not one of the specialties I’m well-aquainted with, so tomorrow it’s off to the otolaryngologist I go. In the meantime, we’re trying to avert an infection and I’m left with the usual antibiotic side effects that have me thinking of a new slogan for the one I’m taking, “Augmentin: When Every Sneeze Is a Gamble.”

Here’s the food drive donation box at my primary care doctor’s office:

I feel lucky and grateful that I managed to time my call to this ENT’s office right after someone canceled an appointment because this practice is right up the block from me, a 10-minute walk. Otherwise, I’d have to hunt around to find an ENT because this one doesn’t have any other openings until December.

The home treatment for this condition is drinking tons of water—gotta keep that spit watery!—massage, warm compresses, and sucking on citrusy or tart candies. One physician I saw on YouTube last night recommended Starbursts, though he is in the UK and refers to them as Opal Fruits and refuses to call them Starbursts. So that’s today’s candy. Starbursts, I mean. “Opal Fruits” sounds like a fancy name for a kiwi fruit to me, and I am not a fan of kiwi fruit. So Starbursts.

D for “Duh.”

I’ve been bit achy in my back, low in mood, and brutally, mercilessly tired. I had my physical on Friday and this is my Vitamin D level.

Well, DUH! Of course I’m deficient. I mean, look at me. Do I LOOK like I play in the sun? (Please pardon the Bitmoji. I can’t take a selfie in the mirror for obvious reasons. You know, no reflection?)

So now I have to take these fancy prescription Vitamin D pills once a week for two months. The things you have to deal with when you’re of the night, really. Best part is, I can daywalk. I mean, I hate it and all, but I can and do. I also wear a silver ring and silver earrings. They cause kind of a low-grade systemic burn that, while annoying, darkens my skin enough to allow me to pass as human. A pasty human, but a human.

And now for today’s candy, Sugar Daddy! This sticky monstrosity is nothing more than a blob of hardened milk caramel, and it’s probably responsible for several cavities I got as a kid. A human kid, I mean. Tasted good, though.

Letter to the Larks

Dear Morning Larks:

Some of you have been rather prideful of late, going on about how the early bird catches the worm, morning is the most productive time of the day, rising with the dawn is the path to success, and so on. Some of you have been extra judgy about it, too, calling Night Owls “lazy” and “unambitious.”

Let me tell you something: Owls keep the world running, so you need to stop it with the stigma. When it’s 2:00 a.m. and you need an ambulance or emergency surgery, or your house is on fire, or you hear someone break in, it’s the Owls who will save you. It’s the Owls who watch your property while you sleep, take calls on 988 when you’re having a midnight crisis, capture the overnight news while you’re dreaming, and maintin national security by monitoring air, land, and sea while you’re slumbering blissfully unaware of the myriad ways your enemies pose a threat. Owls transport your mail and packages, drive your food across the country while it’s still fresh, and even take you and your loved ones from Point A to Point B in safety, though you call overnight flights “red-eyes” like that’s a bad thing. Owls maintain order, and without them you would be screwed.

Furthermore, Owls are hardwired. Over the years, research has shown that a tendency toward wakefulness at night is hereditary. One study found 351 genetic factors that influence whether a person prefers mornings or evenings. Another study suggests that Owls are more creative than Larks. Yet another study suggests that Owls have better cognitive function than Larks.

I believe all of it. My father did some of his best paintings at 1:00 a.m. and my mother, who had an I.Q. of 163, would not be able to sleep until 3:00 a.m. and would walk into walls when she got up for work during the week. I, myself, am an Owl, as verified by the Morningness-Eveningness Questionnaire. Given my druthers, I would go to sleep between 1:30 and 3:00 a.m. and get up between 8:30 and 10:00 a.m. I do my best work between 4:00 and 7:00 p.m. and have another burst of creativity around 11:00 p.m. And at the risk of sounding boastful, my I.Q. qualifies me for Mensa.

So kindly cease and desist with your slanderous characterizations of Owls. We are not defective, lazy, unambitious, unhealthy, or undisciplined. We are merely of the night, and you need us.

Sincerely,

Owls Everywhere

And now for today’s candy: Sixlets! Not quite M&Ms but not quite malted milk balls, Sixlets is a “chocolate-flavored candy.” They are very light and have a nice little crunch, but I remember them always tasting a little stale and reminiscent of mothballs. Still, they’re a classic, and I love the nostalgia they conjure of Halloweens gone by.