Fellini’s Fumes

One week from today the Verizon guy will be in my new apartment installing services. My furniture and rugs will be in place, my accent walls will be freshly painted,* most of my things will be unboxed and put away, and the nightstands will be on the way. I will spend my second night in the new place with hot chocolate, looking out the floor-to-ceiling windows at whatever view awaits me, and just existing.

I keep conjuring scenarios like that in my head because I am thisclose to a nervous breakdown with my current apartment. Nope, not the pool renovation, which is still not finished and won’t be for months.

Nope, no Hoffa yet. Just a lot of dirt and stagnant water.

Today it was fumes. Horrible, throat-burning fumes that made my eyes water and Inigo start sneezing. Contractors were refinishing some cabinets a few doors down and the incompetent fools who manage this building didn’t tell anyone.

For those who don’t know, fumes like that can kill a bird quickly and easily. If I had not been home to move him into the bedroom, he’d be dead. And the landlord now knows that, in no uncertain terms. In fact, my words were, “So help me if he dies because of this just a few days before I move out when I could have gotten a pet-sitter, the litigation will be glorious.”

I’m not the only one who is pissed about this. I heard someone on my floor on the phone earlier today, and they were tearing a new orifice in someone, boy howdy. The snippets I caught were sheer fury. “…I don’t CARE…NO you may NOT…should have let us KNOW…get your training from a bubble-gum machine…service is TERRIBLE…not one problem it’s ANOTHER…” and the piece that redoubled my own ire, “…BECAUSE OF MY DOG, YOU IDIOT.”

And therein lies the heart of it. Do not mess with the health of your tenants’ pets.

Ever.

The Glare. Would you mess with this? I wouldn’t.

All I know is that every day brings a brand new problem. We’ve already had fires and floods out the yin-yang. Mold. Rust. Mice. Trash chutes backed up to the seventh floor. What will tomorrow bring? A plague of locusts from the basement? Fellini couldn’t make this up.

Best part is that we all got an email yesterday.

Dear Residents:

In our spirit of continuous improvement, we are pleased to announce the next chapter of community enhancements. As you may be aware, we completed a refresh of the hallways and elevator lobbies throughout the building, began the pool renovation project, installed a package room and replaced the roof top HVAC Units.

The next round of improvements, to start in early 2021, will include [snip] Main Lobby, Leasing Office, Fitness Center, Resident Lounge.

With a project of this magnitude, we anticipate that there will be questions throughout the process, and we do realize this will create temporary disruptions within in these areas. We have given careful consideration to our residents in the planning of this project to ensure safe work practices in are bring upheld and to reduce the impact on you as much as possible. You will receive frequent communications from us, most often by email. These notifications will contain important information, so we urge you to carefully read all notices.

Construction is anticipated to begin in January of 2021 and is expected to end in the Fall of 2021. Additional project details including renderings, programming and dates will be communicated as we get closer to the commencement of the project.

BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA! You mean they way they communicated about the pool and about today’s work? Good luck with finishing by next autumn. Long before the pandemic, it took them a year and a half to do the hallways and hall carpets, during which time we were left for nearly a year with no baseboards and no coverings over the lights so the place looked right out of The Shining. The parts were “on back order” and enough people complained that they put the old light coverings back on until the new ones arrived. The baseboards are plastic and are already warping enough for another tenant to post a photo on Yelp, and you know how the pool project, which was supposed to be completely finished with the pool winterized by November 30, is going.

Oh, am I bitching too much?

Before the pandemic, the average rent for a one-bedroom apartment in my building was $2,400 a month.

I rest my case.


*Sherwin Williams Honorable Blue on the dining area wall, Dewberry for the door, for the curious.

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